The Monkey Kings 美猴王

A Chinese wife is like a fortune cookie: sweet and cute on the outside but on the inside they have something that can change the direction of your life.

Joy and I have been together for a year and a half now. That means a year and a half of being called 老公 (husband), a year and a half of hugs that cut off the circulation, and significantly, a year and a half of little fluffy things in the shapes of animals for countless purposes. These cute things have, more than anything, made me realise how differently we think.

You see, I have a habit of using logic to make my decisions and she has a habit of picking the cutest thing off the shelf whether she needs it or not. “Look how cute this is! 老公, can we buy it?” “We already have a garden hose, Joy.” But this cuteness spills over into everything, and she gives me presents like I have never had before.

Differences in thinking are not a problem. The key to any relationship is common values. Urban Canadians are used to the idea of a white man and an Asian woman getting together, but most Chinese people we know have trouble fathoming it. They ask questions like, don’t you two have unsurmountable cultural barriers? Don’t you have continual miscommunications? How is it that two people of such different backgrounds can get together? The answer is always no. As differently as we think at times, we share our most important values. We have even decided how many kids we would like and what sex we want them to be (but I’m not going to tell you!).

In fact, we agree on so many things I do not think of her as being from a different culture. I think of her as family. So does the rest of my family, and none of them except my dad, who came to China for the wedding, has met her.

At the wedding, I met Joy’s family. I had heard of large Chinese extended families but I had yet to see one. They filled the conference hall. I have trouble using up all my fingers when counting the people in my family; Joy’s must number at least two hundred. They thought that, being a Canadian, I was surely wealthy, and so did not need any 红包 (lucky money), so I missed out on that tradition. But I do not get angry at the big things, only the little ones. And Joy is there to put up with me every time.

My mother, who remember has not met her yet, says that Joy must be very easy going to put up with a strong minded brute like me. I have tested this hypothesis every day we have been together. The yin to my yang, whenever I get angry, she smiles and speaks softly. When I get angry at her, she laughs. When I growl like a bear I’m truly angry, and she cracks up.

How has Joy changed the direction of my life? I have another reason to learn more about China and learn more Chinese. Now I can communicate with my extended family. If not for my wife, I would not be bringing China with me when I left. But because of Joy, I will always have a connection to this country, and always return to spend time with my Chinese family. I can’t wait to see my fortune cookie wife’s big bright eyes when we come back for Chinese New Year.

China is a competitive place. Industrialised China may just be the most competitive place in the world. I’m not sure. But when it comes to learning English, some Chinese people are so desperate to practice that they will talk to any white person they can find.

Of course, not all white people speak English as a native language (in fact, most don’t), but most white people in China know some English. But most people in China do not know that. Many Chinese people will walk up to a white person and smile and begin speaking English. Some foreigners love this about China. It is a great way to make friends if you are open to it. For those who are not, it is a nuisance.

Since learning English is a big way for a Chinese person’s career to advance, and since China is so competitive, Chinese people will use you to speak English. Of course, they would not claim to be doing so. They would say, I like foreigners, or I am just very friendly. The truth is that you are their teacher, and their being friendly is your payment. This is the part I resent. Nothing is free, not in China, not anywhere. But if you are not equally friendly, people push and push, as if to force you to speak to them. As disinterested as you appear, by putting on headphones, reading a book, looking out the window, talking to your friend, they will talk to you.

I have solved this problem for myself, on the advice of the Monkey Queen. When people I do not know come up to me, I tell them, in Chinese, that with Chinese people I do not know, I only speak Chinese. That way, I am the one getting something out of our conversation as well.

Sadly, it is not as easy as that. There is a young man, about 17 years old, in Suzhou who apparently spends his time looking for white people to talk to. I am not the only one who knows of this boy. Whenever he sees you, he will approach you and speak in a strange kind of monotone English. His English is very good but he is strange and frightening. He repeats that he likes foreigners and wants (or expects) you to come with him and chat. I feel bad for him because it is likely he has some mental problems. He may have had a nervous breakdown, as many Chinese students do due to the pressure of exams at the end of high school. I can find no other explanation why he spends so much time around tourist areas, and pushes so hard to talk to you, as if begging, and yet he clearly has a good education.

Is it possible they are only being friendly and nothing more? Perhaps, but I strongly dislike being picked out of a crowd for my race. Either way, the likely explanation is that some Chinese people think the key to getting ahead is to have excellent English and the key to learning English is to speak to every foreigner they find on the street. Competition has pushed Chinese society to this point.

China is a funny place. Even (or especially) the things that I like are funny.

It was my birthday last week. The Monkey Queen and her unpredictable sense of humour bought me a tube of Darlie, the black guy toothpaste. It says right on the tube, “黑人牙膏”, black man toothpaste. It is a whitening toothpaste. The idea is that black people have very white teeth, so you, a Chinese person, can have white teeth too.

Far be it from me to comment on the cleanliness of Chinese teeth, but I really wonder if Chinese people think black people’s teeth are whiter, or if they realise that colours are colours in as much as they are placed next to other colours, giving a black man’s teeth an equal chance of being white as a Chinese man’s. I also wonder if this, or any other whitening toothpaste, will actually make my teeth whiter. But it tastes good, so let’s give it a try!